Does anyone know how to improve short term memory? I have the biggest problem in the world keeping track of what's going on at the current moment when there is more than one thing or more than one conversation going on. Like ill be talking to one person then get interrupted or distracted by something else and totally forget to get back to the first person I was talking to! For example I'm laying in bed after midnight and a conversation I was having with a friend at playgroup comes to mind and I realize that I meant to respond to what she was saying but I never did! I don't even remember how I got distracted from her but now I'm feeling like an idiot and an ass for accidentally blowing off what she said! Its not like it was an extremely important conversation or anything but I want my friends to know that I DO pay attention to what they are Saying to me!!! Its like really bothering me now lol. The same. Hung happened at tball one night with one of the parents, she asked me something then I got distracted by one of the kids and I never ended up answering her, then realized it the next day and felt horrible! I dont even know if this would even be considered a `memory` issue or what. Maybe I'm ADD....anyhow if there are spelling or typing errors its because I'm typing on My phone,and because its past bedtime! I just had the random thought and felt the need to express it as though I had someone here to tell about it to. I'm off to dreamworld to let this brain rest!

This is me

So, I know I am crazy. Lately it has been especially bad because I only have enough meds to take half of what I am supposed to before I can get to the doc to get things evaluated and re-prescribed. I know a lot of people don't think 'mental illness' is real, or is exaggerated...they think that if you wanna change the way you act, think, react, feel etc, then you just change it. Ha ha, well let me assure you its not that easy for everyone. When I say I'm crazy, I don't mean I am a schizo, or a bipolar manic person necessarily, I just mean that I can't always process things quite like everyone else, and I can't help but over-think things and feel sad and worried a lot, and obsess about things I can't control, change or effect. On top of it, I am tired but can't sleep, have no energy and no motivation, and just can't make myself care about things like a messy house enough to actually get up and clean it!  I am overly irritable and have a hard time finding positive things in most people. I cry a lot about nothing and I lose patience very quickly. I'm phobic about people and being around people, especially if I don't know them well. Hell, I can't even bring myself to talk to strangers on the phone even if it is to make an appointment or inquire about something. Its so bad I don't call to order pizza because I don't wanna talk to someone I don't know in fear of doing something wrong or looking stupid. (yes i realize it is THIS that makes me look dumb!) I always feel inferior to whoever I am around, whether it be because they dress better, look better,are more intelligent, have better ideas, are wittier or happier. 

 I've been doing a little better as far as a social life, which I used to try to avoid because I didn't wanna leave my house, and I'm paranoid and have this deep seeded belief that no one really cares if I'm around or not. However, I'm learning slowly that this isn't the case, and that I'm pretty sure there ARE people who value my friendship and company enough to deal with my crazy ass.   That being said, I can't convince myself of it enough to avoid the feelings that one minute someone is my friend, then the next I feel like they secretly loath me and can't stand me.  I don't know what it is, but no matter how much I try to tell myself that people wouldn't be around me if they didn't really like me, I can't always believe it.   I guess that fits into the same category as my not being able to control what pisses me off or upsets me......quite often it is stupid things that get to me and I can tell myself 'Kim, this is a DUMB thing to be mad about and you shouldn't be mad', yet I obsess and get so pissed anyway.  I wish I knew how to fix myself and change things about my brain and thought process, but I've spent years and years trying with no success, so all that is left is to get help from someone else. 

I know this all makes me sound like a pathetic excuse for a human being, and I am in no way trying to be that way, I just needed to get it out and say what is going on in this head of mine lately. I am getting better, and I will get even more so.....I hope someone or anyone can understand me and know that aside from all of this, I am a good person and I mean well, and I hope anyone who is reading this knows that I am worth keeping around ;) Some of us just take a little more work. They say the first step to things is admitting there are problems so here i am..........MY NAME IS KIM, AND I'M A SERIOUS MENTAL CASE! (next step, smiling, learning to be happy, social and productive....with some outside help of course......)

Another one bites the dust....

The past week has been quite interesting and thought provoking. All in all I have concluded I'm a a lucky girl to live the life I do, despite the things that I feel go wrong. I have a great family, a supporting and understanding husband, and three kids who brighten every day. I have a few friends, not many, but the few I do have help put smiles on my face and get me through tough days.  
Last week I became aware of two marriages that are ending. While this would normally be something sad, (and I do sympathize with the hurt they are going through), I can honestly say that at least one of them may be better off now that aren't together. I know that sounds awful to say and I wouldn't wish divorce or separation on anyone, because obviously they got married for a reason and because they make each other happy.
Situation #1- guy and girl get married. girl has many self esteem issues and thinks that guy makes her everything she is. he is a good looking guy, one you could picture on an abercrombie and fitch commercial, but he knows that and is an arrogant asshole to say the least. they both drink like fish. like a lot of people, when he gets drunk, he goes from asshole version 1.0 to asshole version 2.0. when she drinks, she gets more insecure than she is to start, and picks fights about anything and everything with asshole v2.0. nothing good comes of it. at all. through the whole year they are married, she struggles with what she considers weight issues (and trust me I'd kill to have her body), but thats her insecurity talking. he doesn't help by calling her every name in the book and constantly putting her down. I don't know how she could just keep taking it and not say anything.....oh wait, yes i do because I've been there, but I was much younger and more immature and didn't have people around me to help see that there is something better out there. anyhow, long story short, I think she 'loved' the novelty of wearing him on her arm, and she couldn't see giving that up because he made her look good, therefore made her feel good. Their drinking and fighting only got worse, then one night in a drunken stooper (sp?), he is being an ass like normal, she is trying to talk to him but it is pissing him off. he grabs her, throws her against the wall and proceeds to put his hand around her neck and choke her until she literally loses consciousness, blacks out. he also rips (and I mean rips) her cloths off of her and throws her on the bed. i don't know how in the hell she got him to stop, but he did and she left and called 911. he got arrested and ended up being court ordered to stay away from her. they weren't even supposed to be living together but she let him back in. he apologized and convinced her he would never hurt her like that again (and to my knowledge he hasn't yet....yet being the key word). a little bit of time goes on, he gets prosecuted for assaulting her and on the day he gets his sentence, he comes home and goes off the deep end yelling at her blaming her for his punishment.....ummmmmm HELLO lady, this is your clue he will lose it again. I really feel for her. I tried like hell to get her to understand that this guy has issues, he has a horrible temper and is an alcoholic and is a ticking time bomb.  He proved this by getting physical with MY husband one night when we had them over, and after that point I banned him from my house completely...I don't need violence in MY house around MY kids just because some idiot can't control himself. After that happened I slowly lost touch with her and didn't talk to her or see her much anymore, only enough to know she was still alive. She knows I love her and would do anything for her, but I'm guessing he didn't want her around me much since he knew we couldn't stand him. Holy cow this blog has gotten long! All in all I guess what I'm saying , is that since I learned they split up, I couldn't be happier for her even though she is a 'lost soul' and depressed and misses him.  I don't ever wanna live with knowing an idiot killed my friend, and unfortunately I think it would only be a matter of time with this guy.  Ha, to show his temper, he got fired from his job because he told the wrong guy he was gonna kick his ass. Yeah dude, you're a winner. 
I hope she gets through this and doesn't suffer much from her 'loss'. It is sad, but I'm so glad they finally split up, whatever the reason being for it. I personally wouldn't ever think divorce is an option, unless of course hubby decided to get violent and hurt me or my kids. It is so frustrating to see people who get married just to get married, then when times get tough and they argue and have differences, decide to just get divorced, like its as easy as just breaking up with your 7th grade boyfriend. Grow up people. Marriage is marriage. Things aren't going to be easy for anyone. If your  biggest problem is money, or arguing over stupid things all the time...those things can be fixed, and should be fixed if you are married....grow a set and actually work to FIX your problems, not just call it quits and give up.  (disclaimer: i don't have a perfect marriage and I don't know anyone who does. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with people who are divorced or get divorced, just that i don't consider it an option except in dire circumstances. my feelings toward it come from a family where pretty much everyone who has gotten married has gotten divorced....parents, (dad twice), sister (twice), aunt L, aunt M, aunt P, 2nd aunt M, uncle D, cousin S, cousin H, now uncle J, grandma three times, ...you get my point)
I guess I won't even get into the 2nd couple of the week who is separated because I could go on for days about that one...maybe another time. There were a few other things I had in mind to talk about, but this has already gotten long, and to be honest if I start talking about some of the other stuff I'll probably get pissy...and I don't wanna ruin my good mood today hehe.
Just know, that I feel very fortunate to have all of you people in my life. I am lucky to have the support of people who care, and to have people I can learn from, because we all know that sometimes seeing other peoples difficulties, misfortunes and struggles can help us see what we all have right in front of us, and to not take advantage of that.  Farewell for now my friends, I WILL be back........soon hopefully. I had set a goal last week to blog once a day................um yeah.....................................haha

Gaining a little faith in myself

So, a brief play by play of Quentin's tball season so far this year.......April 15th coaches have a meeting and receive their team info....April 16th coaches begin calling the kiddos and scheduling practices......April 19 we have heard NOTHING from a coach to know what team Q is on while all of his friends are starting practices, so I call one of the league people.....finally that night the coach calls at 845 pm to schedule a practice for THURSDAY. mind you, by Thursday most teams have practiced once, some even twice. SO, we have practice Thursday where the coach makes comments under his breath about how he basically didn't want to be doing this...practice gets over and he says 'well i'll call you all to schedule another practice and i'll get game schedules out as soon as possible'.................SO, days go by, and by, and by. Finally when the NEXT Thursday rolls around we still have received no calls, and by now the other teams had worked on three and four practices (scheduled practices at least, some got rained and snowed out but at least the coaches made the effort). So i'm pissed that we have had no contact. A friend of mine whose husband is coaching another team emails me the game schedule and i realize that Q's first game is Monday (only 4 days away at this point) so i'm even more pissed now because we have NO idea whats going on.  So me being the controlling person that I am start calling the league president and whatnot, and finally end up having to volunteer for hubby and I to coach the team because the wonderful coach we had to start with just quit and didn't bother letting ANYONE know until the Thursday I started calling people! WTF! Who does that, agrees to coach a team then backs out and makes the kids suffer from it....5 and 6 year olds no less. and to boot, HIS son is on the team too! Anyway, so we end up being the coaches, and had we not volunteered i guess these kids would be coach less and who knows if they would've played or not. Ridiculous. Maybe most people wouldn't be so frustrated by it but hey, I'm manic at times and it got the better of me. 

I guess it has kinda turned out to help me in a way. I've always been terrified to talk to people or call people that I dont know. I won't even call and order pizza for cryin out loud. I hate calling and making appointments anywhere and hate dealing with people when it's me that has to go to them, whether it be a Dr office or anywhere else I need to seek information. Weird I know, but thats just me.   I started having some serious anxiety when the league guy brought me the equipment and team info because the reality of having to call all these people had set in. I seriously took all the names and numbers out of the packet and laid them on the table and stared at them for probably 10 minutes being totally afraid to call! I even had to call the hubby so he could calm me down and encourage me and let me know it'd be fine, that I just needed to call. Needless to say I made the calls and guess what, I SURVIVED IT! haha. maybe it was a good step for me. All of the parents were very understanding and helpful which made it easier for me too. I felt ok with the situation UNTIL our first game last night. Even though the moms were great to me on the phone, once we were at the game I felt like some of them were just staring and judging and I felt uncomfortable and not confident at all. I got through it though knowing its about the kids, and they all seemed to have a great time despite the lack of organization and practice up until that point.  I'm sure the rest of the season will get better and my nerves will calm down. I just need to get myself to quit feeling defensive about everything.....and assuming that everyone only thinks bad negative things about me, when in all reality i'm sure none of the parents that I 'thought' were judging me, were even paying attention to me, they were there to watch their kids and I'm sure thats all they were doing....not watching me. I'll get better.

One thing I'm upset about though is that I was wrapped up in getting everyone ready to bat, getting their helmets and bats together and making sure they were ready when it was their turn, that I didn't get to pay good attention to Q when he was up to bat. :( I didn't see how well he did or get to watch him run the bases. AND i'm a photo freak, so that totally sucked that I didn't get to take pictures during the game. UGH. I guess I take the bad with the good and know that at least he is getting to play, and he has such fun doing it. Maybe as the season goes on I will be more relaxed and be able to keep the team going all while paying attention to my favorite little 6 year old guy.  I've got great friends and family who are being very supportive and I'm thankful for that. And trust me, I'm not saying coaching tball is hard by any means, the only thing making it difficult for me is the people part of it! I'll get better, I hope. 

I'm only human, just give me a chance and bear with me

It's beginning to occur to me that people have me all wrong. Is this my fault? Maybe. But it really doesn't need to be anyones fault necessarily. In the wonderful world of facebook, we all say things on our statuses and whatnot, because that happens to be what is on our minds at the time. I have realized however, that when someone reads what I say, they may have no clue whats really behind what I'm saying or why I'm saying it, thus making it easy to see me as 'unhappy', or 'crazy' or 'lost', or 'rude' or 'bitchy'.  You know, I may be all of these things at times, but we all have our moments right? 
Let me clarify before I go any further, that I AM happy with my life, just not always with myself. I love my husband to pieces and couldn't have chosen a better person to spend my life with. He understands me, all of me, and puts up with more shit from me than I could ever expect him to. He makes me laugh, corrects me when i'm wrong (well tries to anyway), gives me security, gives me the opportunity to be home with my children every day....he takes care of me and loves me for me. I would never want to be without him. .....ALSO I love all of my kids more than I ever thought possible.  They make my days worth living and I would never ever change a thing about any of them. I love my family and the life they have given me.
That being said....I wish people understood that I mean well. Just because I post something negative, or seem pissy or seem like I hate the world or my life, doesn't mean that I am a horrible person or that I truly think my life is horrible. Yes, I have days where I want to crawl in a hole and disappear (no this doesn't mean suicide!). I have 'issues' so to speak that I would never expect people to understand and without me telling them they have no way of knowing there is an explanation for my 'negativity'. I'm not saying this is an excuse for the rude things I might say or the way I might act on a particular day that may hurt someones feelings or lead them to believe I'm anything but someone who means well and wants friends.  It is however, something most people don't understand, even when its explained to them. Bottom line is, i AM trying to change things that are going wrong and I AM trying to better my situation and myself, BUT it takes time. Its not fair of me to expect anyone to wait around for the day I might be more on the 'normal' scale, but I hope there are people willing to give me a chance. 
I've come to accept that my mental status so to speak, has and will continue to cost me relationships....with friends, potential friends, and family. Call me needy, call me desperate, call me pathetic...its nothing i havent heard before. And hell, it might be true. Nonetheless, I have a heart and I'm willing to share that, I just rarely seem to get the chance and I do realize that is probably because of my own doing, and my natural ability to turn people away.  Though it may be my fault, I'm not fortunate enough to be one of those people who has a BEST friend, one theyve known for years and has shared every part of their life with. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just want that to change and I hope I can make it. I've always had a harder time being friends with females, and no its not because i was a floosy (spelling) but I've always had better luck being friends with guys, they dont get jealous, they can give guy advice and they are reliable and honest as friends. Thankfully my husband understands this because to this day I do better with male friends. On the other hand though,  I really really want good girlfriends too. Probably because its something I've never had and I want to be able to know I've got friends to shop with, get my nails done with, go to lunch with, have movie night with, laugh with and tell secrets with. sounds corny I know
Honestly I don't know where I intended to go with this when I started writing and I dont even know if anything makes sense.  I'm sorry to all the people I've judged or cheated by not giving a chance. Just know that if you're in my life right now, and you are someone I interact with,I'm doing so because you are someone I want to keep in my life, and in some cases, have a better relationship with. Hopefully you are all there when things are looking up and I can say goodbye to my insecurities, jealousy, and presumptions.
If there is something you know about me, just know I'm only human and I make mistakes. Don't assume you know me, just get to know me better....because quite frankly, I can be pretty darn awesome :)

No Idea Where to Start!!

So here I am, NEVER blogged before and to be honest I'm not really even sure I now HOW to...as sad as that sounds. A friend suggested I do it as an outlet, you know when I don't think I have anyone to listen or understand, or if I just flat out don't want to talk to someone, here I can get it all out with no one interrupting, glaring or making me feel uncomfortable (now if you're reading it and judging as you read, thats fine because I'll never know and can't get my feelers hurt). That being said, I think this is a good idea because lord knows there is more on my mind than anyone can handle taking in....if they even care to try. While it so far seems a little awkward to technically talk to myself I think I might like this idea of 'blogging'.....if you're reading this though I guess I'm talking to you and not myself.....ANYWAY.....I like to babble, so here is a place I can :) Welcome to my head.....it may be a scary journey so buckle up!