This is me

So, I know I am crazy. Lately it has been especially bad because I only have enough meds to take half of what I am supposed to before I can get to the doc to get things evaluated and re-prescribed. I know a lot of people don't think 'mental illness' is real, or is exaggerated...they think that if you wanna change the way you act, think, react, feel etc, then you just change it. Ha ha, well let me assure you its not that easy for everyone. When I say I'm crazy, I don't mean I am a schizo, or a bipolar manic person necessarily, I just mean that I can't always process things quite like everyone else, and I can't help but over-think things and feel sad and worried a lot, and obsess about things I can't control, change or effect. On top of it, I am tired but can't sleep, have no energy and no motivation, and just can't make myself care about things like a messy house enough to actually get up and clean it!  I am overly irritable and have a hard time finding positive things in most people. I cry a lot about nothing and I lose patience very quickly. I'm phobic about people and being around people, especially if I don't know them well. Hell, I can't even bring myself to talk to strangers on the phone even if it is to make an appointment or inquire about something. Its so bad I don't call to order pizza because I don't wanna talk to someone I don't know in fear of doing something wrong or looking stupid. (yes i realize it is THIS that makes me look dumb!) I always feel inferior to whoever I am around, whether it be because they dress better, look better,are more intelligent, have better ideas, are wittier or happier. 

 I've been doing a little better as far as a social life, which I used to try to avoid because I didn't wanna leave my house, and I'm paranoid and have this deep seeded belief that no one really cares if I'm around or not. However, I'm learning slowly that this isn't the case, and that I'm pretty sure there ARE people who value my friendship and company enough to deal with my crazy ass.   That being said, I can't convince myself of it enough to avoid the feelings that one minute someone is my friend, then the next I feel like they secretly loath me and can't stand me.  I don't know what it is, but no matter how much I try to tell myself that people wouldn't be around me if they didn't really like me, I can't always believe it.   I guess that fits into the same category as my not being able to control what pisses me off or upsets me......quite often it is stupid things that get to me and I can tell myself 'Kim, this is a DUMB thing to be mad about and you shouldn't be mad', yet I obsess and get so pissed anyway.  I wish I knew how to fix myself and change things about my brain and thought process, but I've spent years and years trying with no success, so all that is left is to get help from someone else. 

I know this all makes me sound like a pathetic excuse for a human being, and I am in no way trying to be that way, I just needed to get it out and say what is going on in this head of mine lately. I am getting better, and I will get even more so.....I hope someone or anyone can understand me and know that aside from all of this, I am a good person and I mean well, and I hope anyone who is reading this knows that I am worth keeping around ;) Some of us just take a little more work. They say the first step to things is admitting there are problems so here i am..........MY NAME IS KIM, AND I'M A SERIOUS MENTAL CASE! (next step, smiling, learning to be happy, social and productive....with some outside help of course......)